I feel the tingling down in my feet.
A sick feeling deep in my gut that shakes me to my core.
My head tells me I’ve been here before and will be again… and again.
My head tells me I have to figure it all out… and that I am alone.
My head droops… I walk without purpose… shuffling along without direction, wanting to hide.
I hear myself saying I am alone…
The small voice tells me he was always with me — I was never alone.
I want to get sick and throw out the poison from somewhere deep.
In my chest my heart beats loudly and I am suddenly aware of it.
I breathe deeply and look at the parts which add up to something bad.
And though the parts don’t add up — I will not fear.
Though everything swirls around me like a tornado whipping about — I will not fear.
Catastrophe surrounds me at every angle — I cannot fear — it is not courage I am drawing up but something different — it is different.
The sickening poison of fear must come out from my gut… from deep in my soul — from the dreaded past.
The sum whole should not equal peace and yet somehow the promise is for peace.
Even retelling my very story should raise the fear and invite it all back into that space shaped just for it.
Yet retelling my story points to unexplainable joys and treasures in the middle of the pain, snapshot gifts of life.
And as I quiet my soul again I think I hear the small voice speak a word — or a name I need to hear….FEARLESS.
How I question what I think I’ve heard
I refute and reject it entirely and try to move on…
Scenes flash before my eyes… scenes from the past but this time viewed through a different paradigm.
With the new perspective what I saw were not cowardly scenes but knowing the internal fears those actions looked brave — is that how you see me?
Standing strong in the face of many fears, crippling fear…
My old mate — not a friend but an occupant of my soul that knows me too well — the enemy that drains my heart.
You know me all too well and yet you demand everything, all of my space, all of my energy… it is never enough for you… you want everything.
I go back to the Well to draw more strength… when I bring up the bucket there is only that word again…FEARLESS.
Really Father? Is that what you think?
Again he shows me evidence of men who are afraid who become bold, men who lie who become a rock of virtue, men who steal from others who become the biggest generous givers. The economy of what is seen does not equal what they became, a new name was given and a trajectory of an incredible destiny.
What I was told all of my life… all of the stories — they push back — they try to ground me… but they will not overcome this new foothold of hope.
The wave of dread will not envelope me into darkness this time… it roars at me with all of its might — anger and roaring… but deep inside in my soul is an untouchable foothold that feels some type of unexplainable peace.
Although outwardly I shake I continue to press forward… one step, then another…. My father sends a message through brothers —”take the next step”— and by only focusing on the next step — and that step only — I have less space for the fear to try to rush back in.
Do you know the fear Glenn speaks of here? Where do you go with that fear? What do you do with it?
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